


Nothing's on my Mind

by JustSomeGay



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: AU where Alex joins Tim and tries to resist The Operator, Alex has a few breakdowns, Alex is stressed, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Death, Developing Friendship, Emetophobia, Guns, Hospitals, Jessica is gonna show up in later chapters, Supernatural Elements, Tim & Alex Friendship, Tim also has a few breakdowns, Tim has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, help him, mental health
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-04 06:38:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17893397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustSomeGay/pseuds/JustSomeGay
Summary: Alex clung to Tim. Head buried deep in the fabric of a blood stained shirt. He felt a warm kind of unearned safety in Tim's arms. The absoluteness of soft real human flesh, unmarred by bullet wounds and untainted by the manipulations of that thing. Tim had struggled and fought against its nails prying into his head. Alex had given in. He felt weak, but Tim still accepted him. Still held him, with lips pressed to his temple, promising salvation.





	1. A Typical Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex dreams of the past, wakes up with heavy feelings of guilt. He and Tim have a regular morning routine to follow. Trying to live a normal life can be hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter is short cause I just gotta start the flow of the story and introduce the basics. Mainly focuses on Alex's POV. Please Enjoy!

The gun being cocked rattled in his mind, echoed alongside Jay's voice, calling out, reaching out, so close to him. Alex wanted to reach for his hand. Wanted to take it. Yet, his finger hovered over the trigger and bang bang bang. Gunshot rung throughout the building, trembling, so so very loud. Louder than his heart, which pounded heavy against his rib cage. Louder than his thoughts, running mad and wild. Louder than the sound of Jay scrambling, stumbling, coughing, collapsing. Louder than The Operator's presence. Gunshots almost as loud as the bloodcurdling regret churning in under his flesh. Alex swallowed thick bile. Alex woke up in a musty motel bed a mere meter from Tim.

 

Alex lay on his back, staring glassy eyed, up at the ceiling, mildew collecting in the corners. The motel he and Tim were staying in was far from classy, but between the two of them they could barley afford a two bed room to stay in, let alone anything high class. Alex had abandoned the need for money when he decided he had no future left over to worry about such material possessions. It was just him and his gun and The Operator. He grimaced and rolled over to face Tim, who had his back facing him. He could see the gentle rise and fall of deep sleep under the covers, despite the lack of moonlight coming in through the dingy shutters. Alex had become used to seeing in darkness, or maybe it was something The Operator gave him. It made him feel sick to have anything left over from that monster. The monster that shot Jay. No, that was him. He continued to look at Tim's sleeping form, recalling his nightmare's grizzly details. It was hard to forget. It was hard to forget when it really happened. Guilt settled in his stomach as he watched the man across from him. Tim had really offered Alex help after everything he put him through.. The covers shifted and Tim changed position, groaning and adjusting the covers. He was awake, although only somewhat. Alex almost said something to him. Almost.

Morning came at a slow, gruelling pace and Alex was unsure if he even slept at all after his dream. Tim seemed as equally exhausted when the sunlight snuck into the motel room, mumbling something barely coherent about shitty mattresses, before flinging off the covers and shambling towards the bathroom. Alex stayed in the bed whilst he listened to Tim's sluggish morning routine; a piss and a quick shower, before brushing his teeth, knowing he was going to have a morning cigarette right after, making the whole thing redundant really.  
Tim exited the bathroom, a quick glance at Alex, who he knew was awake, "g'morning" he pulled a cigarette packet and lighter out of his discarded jeans, crumpled on the floor.  
"Morning", Alex reached out for his glasses on the bedside table blindly, knocking them to the floor. He cringed, hoping they weren't broken. He couldn't afford another prescription pair after all. Tim approached Alex and retrieved his glasses, handing them to him with an awkward smile. Alex took the glasses silently, giving Tim a nod of appreciation. It was a typical morning with uncomfortable exchanges of forced normality, despite how almost three weeks ago Alex had the barrel end of his gun pointed at Tim and Tim had the sharp edge of his blade branded at Alex. Alex put his glasses on and got out of the bed. Tim had already shuffled off to have his morning smoke. Tim never smoked in the room. It was a small action, but Alex genuinely appreciated it. He made his own way into the bathroom, kicking off his boxers, shucking off his singlet and shutting the door behind him.

He glanced up at his reflection, eye bags dark and heavy. He hated his face. He had gotten sick of seeing it on the tapes he rewatched, in the videos on Jay's channel and in the reflection of Jay's knife, wielded by Tim with pure vengeance on his mind. Everything always reminded him of his past. Of the horrible things he did. He could feel the oncoming breakdown. The rush of adrenaline prickling his veins and the increasing rate of his heartbeat. The air around him felt thick and difficult to take in. He found it difficult to breathe. Vision going blurry, body going numb, naked and terrified, Alex collapsed to the cold ground of the small bathroom floor. Fortunately the toilet was a mere crawling space away from him and he was able to heave himself over the rim before heaving the contents of his stomach into the bowl. Everything was too much at once, he felt paranoid, afraid of nothing, but maybe it was something? Maybe it was The Operator, come to take him back or punish him for his transgression. Or maybe it was Tim, who had changed his mind and knew Alex couldn't be trusted and had to die. Or was it the tormented souls of the people he slaughtered come to finally take revenge. He heaved again, losing track of the amount of time he spent clutching the toilet like a lifeline. He heaved and heaved, until his throat burned and his head ached and he had nothing but bile and blood to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment!
> 
> Next chapter should be released next week and will be much longer so if you're interested stay tuned


	2. Alex and Tim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and Alex struggle with their unexpected partnership, unable to find a connection when so much of what they have had been built up by trauma and violence. Tim doesn't know how to ever trust Alex, he's on edge and afraid as much as he hates to admit it. Alex is afraid that Tim will realise he made a mistake..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaah I'm so sorry for the wait! I wanted to write this chapter for ages but thing s just got way to busy and I never had time to do anything. I know I said I'd update within a week so oops. Thank you to everyone who left kudos and comments on the last chapter. It really motivated me to get the ball rolling on this chapter finally. I hope you enjoy and again sorry for the long wait.

Spirals of thick smoke filtered through dry lips into the early morning sky, hues of polluted grey mixing with the warmth of sunrise. Tim leant against the wall outside the motel building, surveying the surrounding area. He and Alex were quite a while away from Benedict Hall, which was, at least, somewhat relieving to them. Tim noted how the ringing in his head had finally faded along with the dreadful migraine that always came with being in the operator's presence, for him; Alex appeared to be spared of the headache. Tim took another long drag of his cigarette, letting it sear his throat, before exhaling, effortless. Next to the motel was an empty gas station on one aside, while on the other, bare country and a long winding road leading into the horizon beyond him. Tim huffed, not at all looking forward to more driving, yet he knew that they needed to keep moving. The parking lot in front of him was almost abandoned, aside from his car and two others, relating the star of the motel itself. Tim found the solitude calming. Because it was just him, his car and Alex. The thought of being alone with Alex disrupted the calmness of his moment. Despite constant assurance that Alex has changed for better, that he could trust him again, the wound he left in Tim were just too vicious, deep and fresh in his skin to heal over anytime in the near further. Wounds like Brian. Wounds like Jay. The back of his throat began to itch and Tim took another hit.

Feeling satisfied enough with his morning smoke, Tim meandered back to the room, trying to ignore the itching which had made its way to the back of his head and sounded like a nagging slew of unintelligible warnings. Alex was in the room. Alex, who not long ago, had Tim on the other end of a gun. Alex, who not long ago, murdered all of their friends. Tim took a heavy breath before pushing open the door, announcing his arrival. Tim heard the shower running, so he resorted to sitting on his designated bed, checking over Jay's camera and reviewing the footage he had taken within the few days it took him and Alex to get from their last location to the motel. Most of it was just driving footage. Nothing out of the ordinary, or that raised red flags. Just his dashboard and constant open road, framed with farmland. No creature, fortunately. Just him and Alex. Alex, by that time was either staring, unreadable, at the expanse ahead of them, or leaning on his window, ignoring the vibrations of the car, eyes closed; maybe sleeping maybe not. Tim flipped through every video he took, keeping an eye out for anything at all unusual. Anything that would send them packing their minimal belongings and on their way along unknown roads to the next unexpected place to stay. The running water suddenly stopped, causing Tim to glance up briefly. He could make out the sound of wet, bare footsteps milling about the bathroom. A small cough and then the door opened. Alex stepped out with the motel provided towel wrapped around his waist, his hair plastered to his forehead, water dripping down his face. He looked at Tim for a second, approaching his own side of the room.

"Hey," Alex crouched down and sorted through his limited selection of clothing.  
Tim nodded in acknowledgement, despite Alex's back being turned, "Hey. How was your shower?"  
The conversation was stilted and they both knew that, still they pushed on, trying, fighting for any semblance of normalcy, or at the very least, some warmth. Soon their first morning interaction came to an end and Alex had shut the door of the bathroom behind him as he got changed. Tim then returned to his previous activity of looking over the contents of the camera. He fast forwarded through the majority of driving footage, after a while it had started to get tedious. What mattered to him was the time where they couldn't be as observant. When Tim returned the footage to normal speed he and Alex had pulled over to the side of the road for a rest, putting the car into park and pushing his chair into a more comfortable position, judging by the sounds on the video. The camera still sat on the dashboard, filming everything in front of them as they slept.  
Alex came back out of the bathroom, fully dressed, and walking over to where Tim sat.  
"Anything?" Came the soft inquiry.  
Tim didn't take his eyes off the small screen, "No, nothing yet"  
Alex remained quiet for some time, just watching Tim watch the camera.  
"I don't think we have anything to worry about, or upload to the channel" Tim broke the silence, without making eye contact.  
"You're still thinking of putting our lives on the internet? Hasn't that got old yet?" Alex grimaced. Slipping his hands in his jean pockets, Alex shifted his eyes towards his side of the room. His bed wasn't made and his clothes laid, strewn about the foot of his bed, bag left open and on its side, letting more contents spill out.  
"Well yeah, don't you think the people watching deserve to know we're okay?" Tim had paused the video and was now looking up at Alex, who was avoiding the eye contact. He closed the screen and placed the camera to his side closest to the wall. This was a new conversation. He hadn't really considered what Alex thought of the channel.  
"No, I don't" Alex stated, clearly disturbed. His arms folded over his chest and he stood tall above Tim, who was looking up at him with confused shock, "Look, those strangers don't really matter, Tim and I don't feel comfortable with everything we do always being put up on the internet for anyone to see. Think of what we've done Tim! I've committed arson and worse! That's all been put online! We've both been caught on film with illegal weapons and not to mention the amount of trespassing we've done! Sorry, but I don't think it's smart to keep updating our whereabouts for the world to see. We're gonna end up in prison if we keep that up, Tim!"  
"If the police wanted to take us down they would have done it by now, Alex" Tim got up, his mouth twitching with his intense grimace. He looked up, in an attempt to get eye to eye with the much taller man, "This channel is important. I have to let everyone know what's going on. I have to keep them updated!" Tim hadn't noticed the way his voice was raising or the tense expression forming on Alex's face, as worried eyes flicked from Tim's set jaw to his clenching fists, all while leaning away, every so slightly  
"Why is it so important to you?" His earlier sternness had vanished and Alex had been meekly stepping away. Tim had been the noble one of them. He forgave and accepted him and Alex had to remind himself to watch his behaviour. Tim could turn around and reject Alex, abandon him. He had to swallow his pride and consider his words better. He couldn't risk stepping over the line.  
Tim calmed himself and wrung his hands with irritation, "Sorry, I didn't mean to get angry, it's just," he blinked his eyes and his brows knitted together, "it's just it was this thing. It was this thing that me.. that me and," his breath hitched, "that me and Jay.. We did this. He would want me to continue, you know" by the time Tim had gotten the words out he was hiccuping, holding back sobs.  
Alex stepped forwards, almost in an attempt of comfort, when Tim rubbed at his eyes and took a heaving, shuddering breath, "What do you want for breakfast?"

Alex found the sudden switch jarring, but didn't push Tim to address the previous conversation. He tried to appear unfazed as he shrugged, "I don't know. Wanna get gas station fried food? It's cheap and there's a gas station next door to this place"  
"Sure whatever," Tim walked past Alex, brushing lightly against him. Alex watched Tim practically make a mad dash away from him. Maybe they could bring this up again after they got something to eat and weren't so on edge. Alex followed Tim out the door, knowing he'd probably follow Tim anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I don't wanna make a clear promise but next chapter will definitely be out within a fortnight. Stay tuned if you enjoy the story and always feel free to leave comments and kudos <3


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